I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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