Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
