She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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