The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
