Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
