Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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