so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
