I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
