I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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