I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
