Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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