Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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