She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
