how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
