She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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