She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
