theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Randomize
