Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
