She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
