I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
