I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
