I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
