at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
