and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
