The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
