i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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