Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
im on a boat
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