My room smells like vodka and shame
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
