eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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