You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize