I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
