I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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