if you like me you must not know who I am
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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