Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
