i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
