At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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