He asked me if I "almost moaned"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
