you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize