The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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