Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize