I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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