Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize