Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
