I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
