I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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