i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
