Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
