you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
