I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
