So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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