when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
