Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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