It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
