i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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