I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
